One day the world rocking: he or she left you. Everything collapses around you. You do not know how to react or simply how to live … And yet, the breaks can be beneficial to gain autonomy.
It’s stifling, we cry, we feel bad mentally as physically, landmarks fray everything seems impossible, blocked … Rupture? “It reached what is deepest in me remembers Clara who is separated from her boyfriend after three years together. And gave all the same question my sense of existence.” Do longer feel exist is certainly one of the most painful trials. But where does this extreme feeling during the break that gives the impression of falling into an abyss? Would we, as is the popular expression, an inevitable need to find our orange half? Would we really these beings halved in search of our missing part, like so suggests the Platonic philosophy?
The human being is fundamentally lacking in something. The existence of everyone is a construction that tends to fill this gap. My life is making sense, through my story and what I build, something I lack inherently. And, inevitably, a violent experience as a breach creates a sort of vacuum.
The break also causes injury to a share of narcissism, especially for one who suffers, and who feels like a rejection on the part of the beloved, linked to many questions about his own value. According Archibald Dardenne, the more difficult to accept in the break, it is the lack of explanation: do not know why the other does not want you. “When I break, I try to avoid doing what I did not like that one make me, says the young man. And so, for example, I try to be clear and to give reasons why I’m leaving. But we must have the courage to face the person, it’s easier to leave without explanation. “Staying in the dark with respect to this act so difficult to accept for self-love certainly helps suffering related to separation. And can often feed a harassing one who goes by the left one. Because why remains unanswered
Why break hurts
Out. “Made of break under the effect of a shock. Made stop unexpectedly. ” The word etymologically explains the violence of the event. The break is undeniably part of the interruption of continuity. As emphasized Anne Courtois, psychotherapist, a couple, it’s more than the addition of two individuals: there is a third party who is there and that becomes part of everyone. Therefore, when a couple separates, it is as if this part, this imaginary limb, that the partners had incorporated symbolically, they were torn. “In the collapse, it was indeed this impression of amputation, added Viviane Nezer, psychotherapist and sexologist. The other was a crutch, and it takes up the pieces. Often we do not see as a solution that death : as a remedy to the suffering, but also as revenge This gives a sense of power. we then control the printing of the other “The couple brings two people into the cell and they have constructed in the interaction. with other people. They are not untouched by history. Each brings its script, its scenario
In the romantic encounter, there may be unconsciously hoping that the partner come fill the gaps, the couple is the dispensary where childhood damage is repaired. “There are also couples that are built in a kind of mirror, one being the stooges of the other launches Alex Lefèvre. Sometimes I have the impression that those who are the last couples Additional pathologies. “About Nezer also relayed by Viviane who break may be even more difficult in a wobbly couple. Those who argue a lot, still, in fact, paradoxically more together because they are in a complementary, their quarrels to the constituent power, somehow, their safeguard.
During the break, the suffering can be proportional to what is invested in the relationship. But also the ability or inability of one or the other to be truly autonomous. “We work a lot on this ability to own interiority in the presence of the other, they can be alone with each other, says Alex Lefèvre. This is one of the paradoxes of our society of all-out communication, combined with the . unable to create a psychic interiority The ability to change, to breaks, the mourning is related to the ability of personal interiority: “I am not collapse. Yes, it’s hard, it’s very traumatic, but I can overcome this ordeal because I have memories I have my inner theater. By cons, if I’m lost in communication, I have the impression of being merely a relay in a system and when it is more efficient, I no longer exist. This is a bit exaggerated, but I think it is a reflection of track. ”
Self-realization at all costs
The societal model and values of previous generations crystallized within the institution of marriage had the advantage of indicating the way forward, even if it could be heavy to assume socially. Today, forms of couples are increasing according to the requirements of the partners. Young people especially find it more difficult to refer to .. they have to invent models, with all the energy that implies personal fulfillment now is not sacrificed on the altar of the couple “French sociologist François de Singly explains it clearly: there is a risk will make this individual self in a couple that has almost no sufficient sharing of time, says Anne Courtois. Today, we give almost appointments. Between the computer and the friends of one or the other. ”
Today, not only individuals unite, but in parallel, they aspire to build and to be realized.” In the break, it is perhaps precisely this self path that is involved, considers Jacques Marquet, a sociology professor at the UCL. Preference is given to the construction of a torque. It often manage the tension between the fact to imagine that we will be able to make a lot of two more or less symbiotic, and the fact that, despite everything, our company is very marked by the primacy of self-realization. Today, continuing a relationship that is not satisfactory appears as nonsense. ”
Even if the relationship is at the heart of identity construction, our company is increasingly organized around reflexivity. The contemporary individual thinks a lot about himself and his marriage. This is often seen as the conjunction of two trajectories of individuals who attempt both to achieve. “Maybe this is just breaking when the paths diverge?” asks Jacques Marquet. And Nezer of Viviane He added: “You fall in love, but when coming up or we’re going, or you start to take active. ”
” It is better than a bad marriage divorce “
Today, the couple certainly defines much less than before in terms of status and Divorce itself is not the object of reproach. “It is better than a bad marriage divorce” or “I missed my marriage, but I got my divorce,” are increasingly more unanimously. Breaking or divorce undeniably poses fewer problems than before the social level. The figures, which indicate that two out of three marriages and one in two in some major cities, ending in divorce, we prove it. We can therefore question this easier to separate. “I find that the image of the pressed family, associated with a crazy carousel whose members are drawn to the outside and therefore have more time to focus inward, is very telling, said Anne Courtois. Stopping carousel and let time to time. And when bad patches, accept to live and not to eat them! These are times of deconstruction and reconstruction, some understand it and use it as leverage to move towards something else. ”
It is indeed beneficial breaks, which allow to relive, to be released.” Breaking was certainly one of my most painful experiences, but it was necessary because we were not made for each other, says Clara Dewolf. And even if it’s hard to live, after, there is a sense of liberation. This allowed me to realize part of my personality, what I could not do within the couple. “The break is also accept that Prince Charming does not exist, the ideal couple is an illusion and that after the passion, romantic love shock, the reality resurfaced and not always for the best. In the love mythology, Romeo and Juliet, Tristan and Isolde, Orpheus and Eurydice, do not they find themselves not only in death?
What a life after the break? Statistically, men tend to recover more torque . quickly as women who have more difficulties to enter a process of seduction therapists themselves are unanimous move from person to person before having his grieving the previous relationship is not solution. A first phase of reconstruction is necessary. “After a break, I need a break, says Archibald. For me, this is the moment when we learn the most about ourselves and about others. This is an opportunity to work on oneself and learn to accept failure. “Successful separation is sometimes as important as a successful meeting.
act or suffer?
Accept the break may appear easier for one who takes the initiative. At least he avoids the shock of the surprise … Adultery may be symptomatic. Just as it can hide an inability to break clear. “Tricking can be a kind of escape but, for me, this was the only way to break admits Clara. We were not able to separate us. Our relationship was mired for nine months already. ”
Fear of being alone often explains why moving continuously from one romance to another. The social and cultural pressure also promotes the movement. It alone is not always easy to fit into a social life. As Archibald points out, couples are more likely than single guests, who often complain about having to face condescending looks. Some people even believe that being married couple or more beneficial for career because it is perceived as a more stable person. But according to sociologist Jacques Marquet, the hardest part is definitely the passage from one status to another. “When you’re single and you enter the category torque, or vice versa, it is not easy, he connects. Because when you go from one to two, inevitably, you must rebuild your social network. Except perhaps in the open torque model that seems still a minority. Returning to identity construction concept that I realized, but the other is myself useful in this process. It shapes me somehow at the same time I hope that he will reveal to me and vice versa. And, inevitably, it leads me to see others in a different way. So I do not see my friends in the same way, even though I can not see all my friends. Some will be dismissed and other elected because my eye on my network is changed. ”
Once the rupture consumed, the social network is redefined. Although, increasingly, older couples continue to be within the group of mutual friends, where sometimes three or four former different sexual partners meet. “Today, sexuality no longer defines the intimate field that rather focuses on the sphere of fragility that we agreed to share with each other, concludes Jacques Marquet. And we continue in some way through the family ties that we keep to allow children to travel in places respective in-laws. Here, too, we are facing a changing society, as in the traditional model, the new spouse takes the place of another. Today, we rather consider divorce as difficult to carry out a joint project, rather than a fault. While this does not necessarily correspond to the company’s thinking in its entirety. ”